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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28511544">A Mystery for the Ages</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourGalMuncher/pseuds/YourGalMuncher'>YourGalMuncher</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>18+ ONLY, 69 (Sex Position), Angst, Erotica, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Funny, Gentle Fdom, Goofball, Panties, Useless Lesbians</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:15:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,596</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28511544</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourGalMuncher/pseuds/YourGalMuncher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why would I keep getting my panties wet for you, and then leave them in your bedroom, so that you could find them and then bring them back to me? What possible motive could I have? What signal could I, an awkward lesbian who is painfully single, be trying to send to another awkward lesbian who is also single? Truly, it is a mystery for the ages."</p>
<p>Your gal Muncher is back with a very, very silly script that's kinda vanilla - what the hell? Like, there are zero spanks, no hair-pulling, no fucked-up depravity! It's actually relatively light on the sex in general, other than some smooching and some mutual oral.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>F4F - Relationship, F4TF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Mystery for the Ages</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[F4F][F4TF] A Mystery for the Ages [Very, Very Silly][Roommates to Lovers][Goofball Fdom][Leaving My Panties On Your Pillow][Oblivious Listener][Sixty-Nine][I Know How To Deal With Brats][Come For Me, You Useless Lesbian][Little Bit of Angst][Asking You What To Call Your Happy Fun-Time Bits]</p>
<p>[The sitch: the speaker is a sassy, sarcastic, silly girl carrying a torch for her shy roommate. You keep dropping increasingly obvious hints and she is just not taking the bait, escalating to this ridiculous straight-from-a-bad-porno scenario in which you leave your underwear for her to find, and she is STILL not getting it. Drastic times call for drastic measures.]</p>
<p>[This script is more of a sort of comedy - the "actual" sex is pretty light, consisting of some smooching and some mutual oral. Listener's genitalia is not referenced directly in the dialogue - the speaker will ask the listener what she wants her parts to be called.]</p>
<p>[she opens your door] Oh, hey. Is this about my half of the rent? I'm supposed to rob that bank tomorrow, no problem. Seriously though, I'll have it for you once I hit the ATM in the morning.</p>
<p>Oh, it's not about that. It's about my panties? Oh! You found them. Thank you so much. I've been looking everywhere for them. Wherever did you find them?</p>
<p>In your bedroom? Again? Huh. God, that's strange, isn't it? My panties just keep ending up in your bedroom.</p>
<p>Draped across your pillow. Wow. I wonder how that happened. What a perplexing and compelling mystery.</p>
<p>No, I don't think I dropped them when I doing the laundry. Because these [SNIFF!!!] yep, these are definitely dirty. I definitely had a party in these pants.</p>
<p>No, no, no. Honey, no. There was no actual party. I was… [stage whisper:] masturbating.</p>
<p>Yeah, I rubbed one out while wearing my panties, laying right here in this bed, thinking about… someone. Someone I have a crush on. I wonder who it could be? Here. No, take them for a minute. Sniff them. Go ahead and sniff them, you can still smell my pussy.</p>
<p>Come on, that's hardly a sniff. Really just breathe it in deep. Yeah, that's the stuff.</p>
<p>So, yeah, I got them nice and soaked, then I took them off, and then, somehow, as if by some strange magic, they ended up in your bedroom, draped across your pillow. Again. I wonder why this keeps happening. Do you think we have a ghost? There is that light that flickers on and off for no reason.</p>
<p>I agree, I don't think that's very likely. But there's no one else here. You live here and I live here. Just the two of us. So whomever could it be? Obviously, you're not the one doing it. Which leaves me, and that's weird, because why would I do it? Why would I keep getting my panties wet for you, and then leave them in your bedroom, so that you could find them and then bring them back to me? What possible motive could I have? What signal could I, an awkward lesbian who is painfully single, be trying to send to another awkward lesbian who is also single? Truly, it is a mystery for the ages.</p>
<p>Just, just shrugging your shoulders, huh? An absolute head-scratcher. This is some Christopher Nolan shit. Better pull up a YouTube video: "My Panties, Ending Explained." Well, I'm sure we'll figure it out eventually.</p>
<p>Wait, where are you going? Come back here. I cannot believe that you're this dense.</p>
<p>Am I mad at you? I cannot believe you just asked me that. Here, let me try something else. I'm going to take off all my clothes. Completely naked. Down go my pants, up goes my shirt. Off with the bra. Off with another pair of panties, which is also suspiciously damp for some reason. Here, take them, see for yourself. Yep. Now, I want you to do, is I want you to take off all your clothes. No, just trust me on this. I know it seems a little strange, both of us getting naked in my bedroom while you're holding onto my soaking panties, but I think it's going to make things very clear. If it doesn't, I don't know what will. That's it. Every last stitch, honey.</p>
<p>Good girl.</p>
<p>You want to know why I called you a good girl? That is weird, isn't it? It almost had, like, a sexual connotation. Huh. That's so weird.</p>
<p>[whispery, hot and heavy in her face] And we're standing so close, that our bodies are almost touching. Our breasts, our bellies. Our lips are almost touching. I could kiss you right now, if I wanted to. Let me let you in on a secret: I want to. [soft lingering wet kisses] It's almost like I did it on purpose. Almost like this is the reason I keep leaving my wet panties in your bedroom.</p>
<p>Yes, I'm the one that left the panties there! Obviously I left them there. Sweetheart, I have this distinct impression that I could have you on my bed, your legs spread so wide that each of them are in different cities, with my pretty little face absolutely buried in your crotch, ruining my sheets with your hot come, a couple fingers knuckles-deep in your ass, and you still wouldn't know that I'm into you!</p>
<p>Yes! I am into you! Oh my gosh. Are you being serious right now?</p>
<p>You weren't sure. How. Hooooooow. How were you not sure?</p>
<p>I was kissing you. Like, kissing you kissing you. On the flipping mouth. Like, really kissing you, kissing you like I meant it. You had to have felt it. I have it on good authority that I am a perfectly adequate kisser.</p>
<p>Well, yes, I guess I am just going to have to kiss you again, [smooch] and I'm going to have to keep [smooch] kissing you [smooch] until you stop acting like a ding-dong. [so many smooches]</p>
<p>Yes, sweetie, you can ask me anything. [smooch] Go ahead.</p>
<p>Do I like you? That's your question: do I like you? [holding head in hands] Okay, um. I'm trying. Like, trying really hard. But you're kinda gonna drive me up the wall, here. Like, you're not that oblivious. You're not. I would say that I've practically been wearing a sign, but there was actually that time when I was actually wearing a sign. Yes, the one that said, "I have a crush on someone", and you were like, "who is that sign for?", and then I flipped over the sign and it had your flipping gosh-darn name on it!</p>
<p>You weren't sure? It was your name! Who else would it be?</p>
<p>I mean, yes, my handwriting is terrible, but c'mon, you could read between the squiggles. There were context clues. Context clues up the wazoo.</p>
<p>This is a gag, right? You're being a brat on purpose? [wickedly] I know how to deal with brats. Get on the bed.</p>
<p>"Why?" Why. You just asked me why. Why did I tell you to get on the bed? [playful:] Because I'm going to fuck you, you dumb bitch.</p>
<p>[softly] But only if you want me to. Like, okay, we can keep doing whatever this is, but I actually need to have your clear and enthusiastic and informed consent. Give me that, and you can go back to frustrating the hell out of me.</p>
<p>Okay. [sweet smooches] Now. On the bed. You. Get. Get on the bed. Get on the bed, now.</p>
<p>"Make me?" Oh, so you're being a brat again? I told you, I know how to deal with brats. [noises of exertion as you try to pull on her] Oh, come on. Move your feet. [exertion] Okay, I'm just going to have to pick you up, then. </p>
<p>Yes, I can pick you up! I got muscles. The nerve! Just gonna [straining] put you over my shoulder like a fucking cavewoman and carry you across the room.</p>
<p>No, I'm not gonna drop you, you big baby. [straining, out of breath]</p>
<p>Okay, so actually, maybe I am going to end up dropping you. I'm going to put you down gently, and let's just pretend I carried you over to the bed and violently tossed you on your back, okay? You do that while I catch my breath.</p>
<p>Good girl. Now I'm gonna kiss my way up those legs. [soft lil' smooches] And these thighs. [wetter, sexier smooches throughout:] God, they're so warm. You're so warm. I could snuggle between your thighs and just stay there for hours.</p>
<p>"Doing what?" What do you think? [silly moan-y tongue wiggling noises in the air] </p>
<p>But first, let me kiss that tummy. [kiss her belly, soft and sensuous; then, suddenly and without warning, do that thing where you press your mouth against it and make a wet farty noise; then, giggle like an idiot about it] Sorry. I'm going to be serious from now on. Serious and sexy. Look, this is my serious, sexy face. [crack up laughing, then catch your breath]</p>
<p>[up close] The problem is I have a goofy smile, and I can't stop smiling. I can't not smile around you. If you were just looking at my eyes, I'd look very sultry. [kiss her mouth] Just looking at my eyes, peeking up at you from between your legs. Oh, so, uh, hey. What do you want me to call your happy fun-time bits?</p>
<p>Cool. And anything you absolutely don't want me to call those parts?</p>
<p>Gotcha.</p>
<p>What, me? Oh, thanks for asking, sweetie. Uh, I don't like the c-word, and "snatch" is like a really visceral turn-off. So those are a hard pass. Calling it my "hole" is kinda hot, calling it your hole, like it fucking belongs to you, that's hotter, "fuckhole" works but only if you're giving it to me with a strap. Oh, and "pussy", obviously, but you already knew that, per our previous discussion about sniffing my panties and smelling my hot pussy.</p>
<p>You want that pussy, huh? Well, you're going to have to wait for it. Because I want your come first. I've wanted it for a long time. Be a good girl and give me that come, and then I'll let you have my pussy. [kisses] Oh, I know you want it now, but you gotta be patient for me.</p>
<p>Sure, you can ask me anything.</p>
<p>276 divided by 4. That's your question. We're in the middle of this and you ask me a math question [UK alt: "maths question"]. Okay, fine. 276 divided by 4. So, 4 goes into 276, let's see… [muttering to yourself as you do the mental math, then the realization:] Oh! Okay, sure. Do you want to be on top, or…? Oh, you want me on top. Want me to sit on that pretty face. You want that pussy pushed up right against your face, you dirty girl.</p>
<p>[get situated:] Okay, I'm going to lower it down. [make silly construction machine noises] Get to work. You need to breathe, smack me on the ass, okay?</p>
<p>[Time to chow down! While you're giving her enthusiastic head, she's giving it to you. You're not going to stop what you're doing to moan, you're going to moan while you're doing it, moan right up against her bits. Similarly, instead of alternating licking and talking, licking and talking, the effect I'm really horny for with this is you talking with your mouth full -- a blend of messy wet noises, my dumb word vomit dialogue (spread out across appropriate intervals of absolutely fantastic championship level head-giving), and your delightful, muffled moans:]</p>
<p>Oh, yes, that's a good girl. That's a very good girl. I'm gonna be good to you right back. You like that? Yeah? I can tell. Oh God. Get it, baby, get it. Right there. Get that tongue in there. Get that face in my pussy. Oh, fuck, your leg is shaking, honey. Buck those fucking hips. Punch me in the face with it. Just, just, I, Christ, I don't have any words left. You stole all my words. Stole all my words with these hips and that mouth, that fucking wonderful mouth. Just come for me, baby. After all this time, you're finally going to come for me. I'm c-c-coming for you, so you better come for me. Come for me, you oblivious tease. Come for me, you little brat. Come for me, you useless lesbian! Yes! Yes! </p>
<p>Whew! Just let me roll off of you there. Oh, gosh. You look so gorgeous with my come on your face, baby. Let me taste me. [soft, soft smooches]</p>
<p>So, okay. I'm gonna be really earnest and sincere for a minute, which you know makes me deeply uncomfortable. But, like, I've wanted to kiss you for a long time. Or, rather, I've wanted you to want me to kiss you. And I made that really fucking obvious, like completely over-the-top ridiculous. So, like, I gotta ask: you knew all along, right? You knew and you were just kidding around? Because you were kinda kidding around with my heart, and the joke ain't that funny. It hurt.</p>
<p>Oh, hey, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -- I didn't mean it like that. Please don't go!</p>
<p>[to yourself:] And she left. Great, you chased her off. [smacking yourself:] Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why did you have to open your stupid fucking mouth? After all this time, you finally were with her, telling her how you feel, finally kissing her, and then you couldn't leave it alone. You just had to pick at it like you always do. Why can't you let things be good? It's like you don't want to be happy. It's like you know that you don't really deserve it. You don't deserve her.</p>
<p>Oh! You came back! I'm so sorry that I… you have something for me to read?</p>
<p>[unfolding paper noises] "I noticed. Of course I noticed. But I thought you must be playing a trick on me." That's what you think of me, that I'm the kind of person that would do that? Okay, okay, I'll keep going. "I am fundamentally unlovable." Oh, honey, no. "No one can ever love me. I want to be loved. I want you to love me. I've wanted it for so long. I want it to be true more than anything in the world." [putting the paper down] Then, let it be true.</p>
<p>If you want it to be true, if you want to be loved, then let me love you. It's as hard and as simple as that. I want to love you and you want to be loved, so just let it be true, okay?</p>
<p>[smooch] And I'll let it be true, too. You ain't the only one in this room that feels like she doesn't deserve to be loved. I try not to think about it. To distract myself from it rather than, like, actually work on it? Maybe that's why I turn everything into a joke. Like I said, earnest and sincere is not my thing. Instead of just telling you how I felt, I tried to do it through like layers of irony. Which probably didn't help you realize that I was on the level.</p>
<p>But, look. If you think I'm worth it, I'll let you love me. You just gotta let me love you back. I think between the two of us, we'll be okay, right? Deal? Yeah, let's shake on it.</p>
<p>[laugh] Oh, come here, you glorious, brilliant, genius dummy. [smooch]</p>
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